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Showing posts from July, 2009

Debunking Marriage Myths (3)

Marriage myth 3: The myth of 'the full box,' suggests that when we marry we inherit a big box filled with self-replacing good things, guaranteeing effortless unending marital bliss. This box is supposed to contain romance, physical fulfilment, generosity, true love, and being served 'in the style to which we've become accustomed.' Ideally, we can dip in and take what we want from a never-depleted supply. Instant, low-maintenance satisfaction guaranteed! And it seems to work initially, so we believe the myth. Until one rainy day we dip into the box and come up empty. At that point we feel shock, disappointment, anger, despair and hopelessness and conclude that our partner failed, fooled or forsook us. Why else would the box be empty? At that point the myth suggests, 'It's time to find another box!' Or you could listen to the liberating truth: a) marriage is a big box, an empty one. Your job is to make enough deposits to guarantee sufficient withdrawals f…

Debunking Marriage Myths (2)

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Marriage myth 2: The myth of the 'right person,' suggests happiness in marriage depends entirely on finding the right person. It's said to be a matter of luck, Cupid, the alignment of the stars, the moon hitting your eye like a big pizza pie, etc., occasionally even God. Just find the right person and they'll make your life supremely happy, romantic, excited, fulfilled, blissful. They will become, as the song says, 'that old black magic' that holds you in its spell, leading you into the enchanted land of endless love. It's all up to them. And nothing ever felt more convincingly real or right!
Despite the advice of friends and family, we'll 'give away the farm' and turn ourselves inside out to keep this addictive, magic happening. When it stops (and it does), three things happen: 1) we cry, manipulate, bribe, and later blame, vilify and consider them phonies for changing on us and making us miserable. 'He's not the man I married,' we …

Debunking Marriage Myths (1)

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Know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.John 8:32A lot of us are 'myth-informed' about love and marriage. The myth of 'a perfect marriage' is widespread and dangerous among us. By setting up unrealistic expectations, impossible dreams and magic thinking, it misinforms, misleads and disillusions us, preparing us to walk away the moment our fantasy clashes with reality. Only the truth can make us free to find fulfilment in our marriage. For the next few days let's explore a few of these myths.Marriage myth 1: The myth of 'viral love,' insists that love is caught, much like a virus. 'Some enchanted evening' when you happen to be in the right place at the right time, it will zap you. You'll 'catch the bug' and enter a lifetime of unending bliss! The trouble is, when we're worn out taking care of three kids, two jobs and a second mortgage, the 'virus' subsides. In the whirlwind of dishes, nappies and daily routines, some…